Weekend Writing Warriors 2.24.13 #8sunday

wewriwa

Heard about this site a little while ago, so I thought I should submit something.

This is an snippet from an already published Fantasy short story ‘Restoration’.

The passage is from the beginning of the story.

dove and swords glyph for WeWriWa

Winter came early at this altitude, evident by the sight of his breath and that of his horse. As a priest he was accustomed to hardship. He never enjoyed what many considered luxuries anyway. As a tracker this was his job. He was glad, however, he brought his rabbit fur gauntlets. His steel blue eyes surveyed the vastness ahead of him. The tracks that lay ahead of him would be preserved by the cold, making it easier for him to track his quarry. He just didn’t want to be here.

dove and swords glyph for WeWriWa

‘Restoration’ is available at most eBook retailers. If you would like to purchase the short story you can go here to get a copy in your needed format.

Until next time, enjoy and please visit here to find and read a variety of excerpts from other Weekend Writing Warriors.

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About John Van Vliet

Author of the soon to be released "The H'Rhophyan Chronicles", a Fantasy Adventure Serial.
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10 Responses to Weekend Writing Warriors 2.24.13 #8sunday

  1. Hi John, we’re glad you’re giving it a try!

    First, your sense of story is obvious in this short snippet. πŸ™‚

    I’m going to share a few observations. Keep in mind, they’re just my opinions. Ultimately, you know best.

    Your opening sentence? I’d shorten it. It packs a bigger punch, and grabs the reader’s attention. It doesn’t matter in that opening statement how we know that winter come’s early. I think the reader will trust the narrator. “Winter came early at this altitude.” We’ve learned that it’s winter, and we are at altitude. And I think “came early” is a little foreshadowing–and that’s a good thing.

    “The horse shifted beneath him; its breaths were great, gray plumes in the frigid air.” Showing rather than telling. Now we know he’s on horseback, and it’s cold.

    “His steel blue eyes surveyed the vastness before him.” Sounds better if you don’t use “ahead” twice in two sentences.

    “The tracks that lay ahead of him…” I’d remove “of him”. It’s already implicit, and “him” is repeated in two sentences.

    “…easier for him to track his quarry.” I’d change “track” to ‘trail” or “follow”. Track is already well used in this snippet. The priest is a tracker, and we have tracks that lay ahead of him. As a rule, it’s better to avoid using repeated words (except in rare instances when you intentionally use them as a literary device).

    Last sentence is much stronger if you remove the word, “just”.

    Just my take on this–as a reader. πŸ™‚

    Perhaps others will comment–and offer their take, maybe even conflicting opinions to mine–and that would be great too. As writers, we are fortunate to get another set of eyes on our stories. We do become blind to our own work.

    Hope to see you next week. Welcome aboard. πŸ™‚ Teresa

    • Thanks Teresa for your observations. It is always good to have other eyes look at what you’ve written. Like you say, ‘We do become blind to our own work’. Your comments will not go unnoticed.

  2. Intriguing, raises SO many questions and I very much liked the “voice” of your character. Terrific snippet!

  3. Very visual excerpt. Nicely done. πŸ˜‰

  4. Kate Warren says:

    Welcome to WeWriWa, John! Interesting eight sentences. I’m curious about how a priest became a tracker, or are all priests trackers in this story world? The rabbit fur gauntlets are a nice touch.

    • No, not all priest are trackers in this world, but all use their swords for the protection of the innocent and those unable to defend themselves, executing of judgements declared by the Order and Magistrates of individual kingdoms in which the Order officiates.

  5. This does raise a lot of questions, such as why is a priest tracking someone.

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